Imperial Throne

The Imperial throne is a seat of contemplation and deep thought. It symbolizes the authority, presence, and visibility of the chief monarch. That is why, as the Second Emperor of the United States, I embark on making the commode the de facto throne of my title. Not only can commodes be found almost anywhere, they are, in fact, everywhere. They also have the ability to be manufactured by means of a slit trench or be of the highest quality bidet. This means that any commode under my command shall be the Emperor's Throne.

This is the true seat of high contemplation

This is, of course, common sense to anyone who has used one. The private contemplations that occur within this elevated seat reverberate into the community's watery public works. Not only is this act a communal one, but it also promotes a local and effective means of establishing a dominant atmosphere. Even in rural areas, the septic tank serves as both an extreme hazard and a hallmark of civil engineering.

This is the essence of political power.

Some might question how the small and private act of waste disposal could ever symbolize the visible and commanding presence of a traditional King's throne. The answer is remarkably simple. While locked in a stall or confined within a small room, I am able to immerse myself in the local atmosphere and contemplate the true meaning of my regal duties and their impact on larger society.

If only Caesar’s throne was as well constructed it might still be a considered a remarkable human achievement.

ROBERT HARDING PICTURE LIBRARY

The next time you find yourself on a commode, you may find yourself contemplating life choices, reading an article, or cleaning yourself. Whatever you do, just remember that Emperor Ruprecht Real is doing the same, bringing us closer together.